I am finally getting to some of the details of the April-May debacle.
As I stated earlier, this was a very difficult time for me. I was ill, in pain, blocked, and generally miserable.

I went to see the doctor, had a CAT scan, got prodded and poked, and was generally miserable.

They were concerned I might have something 'serious' like appendicitis or gall bladder disease, both of which would ultimately require surgery.

Really, it was my intestines telling me I need to de-stress and pay attention to the changes occurring in my body.

My reaction - to not eat for ten days - was an excellent way to release toxins. I read that animals INSTINCTIVELY stop eating when they are ill, it releases toxins so they can repair. They also conserve energy and sleep alot. I tried to do that while under much stress.

I was under self-induced, and external, stress. Most of it was a self-esteem issue. I had two papers to write and couldn't see my way clear for both so concentrated on one over the other. As well, I had to travel to DC to present that paper at a meeting. I keenly felt my lack of self-esteem at that time.

Upon return I thought I might be able to whip out the other paper, but couldn't do it and broke down. As usual I made this into a major trauma for myself. Never mind that the professor for whom I was to write the paper had no problem giving an extension. This was a non-issue for him.

GEEEZ!!!

As well, I was undergoing some intensive personal growth, dealing with old patterns and memories of abuse. YUK.

Really, this was a tough time.

I do enjoy the pics from the CAT scan though. My dad and I went through them meticulously. We had a blast figuring out what was what. Turns out my intestines have a funny configuration (like this is a surprise?) which would account for much of my physical obstruction problems. Stress and old stuff don't help that.

Also, I have a curvature to the right at the lumbar spine that also hikes up my right pelvic bone.

Both factors explain a lot for me.
No details forthcoming on those though.

Surmise to say that the pics explain much of the physical aspects of my tummy troubles, while the psychological therapy I am undergoing continues to release me from the grip of old patterns and imposed baggage.

I am cleaning up and learning to reorient my perception of reality to fit myself, as I want to be and not as the person others want me to be. As you might think, this is somewhat stop and go, and difficult.

I refuse to give up or go back or even maintain stasis.
Why?
No brainer, that. Each time I reach new understanding, gain clarity, or connect with my instinct, I free myself from one more little restraint and I achieve a better level of health.

On to the blood tests for hormones, and the mammogram:
As if I didn't know already, my GYN confirmed that, yes indeed I am officially in perimenopause, that stretch of life prior to ending the menses. How long it will last is anybody's guess. The textbooks say 5-13 years, give or take. I consider myself into year two, since I noticed symptoms about 1.5 years ago. Since all the old women in my family had their reproductive organs removed I am the guinea pig that reestablishes the pattern...

My sister, ten years younger, is already showing signs of change. Of course, she is a different person, and led a very different lifestyle that included smoking and drinking and odd hours, so those factors will impact her life in all respects.

The mammogram is an issue of contention. Well, not the pics themselves, but the resulting interpretation. They found a calcification. Now, this can mean anything in a range of benign factors, it can also mean a cancer. No one knows until they go in and take a biopsy sample.

Here's the thing. The doctors (radiologists) concur that the probability (95%) is a benign factor. They also concur that a biopsy is the best way to prove that. BTW, I got a second opinion b/c the first doc was so incredibly hysterical. She would have had me in there the next day for a biopsy (her business includes biopsies as well as imaging - I think the connection is way too strong, along the lines of business, if you get my drift).

I contend that if they are 95% sure this is benign, I don't need to be invaded just to prove the other 5% to their satisfaction. My argument is this - I have absolutely no risk factors for breast cancer. None. Nada. Niente. Nil.

Get it? No risk factors = no invasive procedure necessary. Will I go for another mammogram in 6 months? Sure, no problem. If there is no change, I will go annually. I can do that.

Am I going to ask for a third opinion, and maybe a fourth? You bet. I want to hear them all. I want to get consensus on what the docs think, and perceive.

I already know that the two with whom I have spoken perceive that a biopsy is the 'right' thing to do. Their perception is based on their belief system, and that of the majority in their field of expertise. Fortunately for me, I have learned to think for myself. I will not allow some docs to penetrate my body just to make sure I have a benign factor in it.

Oh, and they were going to leave a little metal marker in there, just in case they might need to go in again in the future!

Hello! OK, let's get this straight: we take out something that is in all likelihood benign, therefore natural, and install a piece of metal?
I don't think so.

End of story. For now. I'll reprise in 6 months if necessary.

That's the stuff I have had to deal with for two months.

Whew!
Posted 6/29/2002 12:05:22 PM by l tanzer

Am entering that 3-5 day period of ovulation. The process is complex, but the result is a fussy tummy. Not always, but most of the time.

There are studies linking ease of BMs with the menstrual cycle in women with normal digestive systems. Imagine how much more exaggerated it is in those with abnormal digestive systems!

The findings show that the cycle impacts ease of BMs, particularly at ovulation and at menstruation. Since each of us is different, there are differing patterns. For me, it is a blocking up at ovulation, and release at menstruation. This was not always the case, though. Used to be release at both, with almost total blockage in between. Those were the days when I couldn't 'go'. Now that I have susbstantially changed that pattern, and am continually improving my health (toward perfect health forever), it is ovulation that gets stuck.

As well, ovulation is that time when other things whack out, probably due to the hormonal changes that occur at this point in the cycle.

Ahhhh. The wondrous complexity of womanhood.

Posted 6/29/2002 07:21:03 AM by l tanzer

While travelling, I did not get to post at all (I don't own a laptop, and didn't really have much access to a computer while away).

Oh well.

I had a whirlwind trip, travelling to NYC, CT, and Washington DC. I enjoyed good health for most of the trip. I fully believe this has everything to do with my most recent routine - probiotics and Chi Nei Tsang, and the chinese herbs I have been taking to regulate my hormones.

Here is a synopsis of high and low points. Actual travel days, each a full day, were just great. Perfect elimination both days. No gas or bloat or discomfort.

Flying east, I went through Chicago (always a mistake) which ended up in a two hour delay on the second leg. We did not arrive home until close to midnight, at which point I was famished. I ate and went to bed. As well, my mother took advantage of my tired and vulnerable state to work her usual emotional destruction. Next morning I was blocked big time. Fortunately I had the enema bag with me.

My return trip did have one blip - I sat next to a man drenched in perfume and had a reaction b/c there was nowhere to go, the plane was full. Am still dermatagraphically sensitized by that. I think it will subside in a few days.

Throughout the trip I ate well, stuck to my diet about 95%, allowing for unknown transgressions of restaurant food, a milano cookie, and a late dinner with wine on the 21st (resulting in my only other next morning blockage).

I brought travel size probiotics with me, as well as a supply of herbs and suplements. I also brought some of my own foods, such as some homemade applesauce and almond bread to get me through my first morning (it actually lasted for the second morning as well).

My sister bought organic applesauce without any added anything. It was quite tasty. She also made some almond flour crackers. I am going to make some this week. The recipe contains the same ingredients I use for my bread. Just the baking process differs. Way cool.

Had a great time with my sister. Helped my mom pack up a bit in the house (they sold their CT house and will be moving here to Tucson in a few months - new house almost completed). Spent a few days in DC networking and building on ideas for my dissertation.

I lost my bows!

Took the train to DC. All dressed up, wearing my Ferragamo's with the little grosgrain bows in gold clasps. By the time I arrived at my hotel one bow was missing and the other had just come off! What's with that?

Is there something about the climate (hot and sticky) that makes bows come off? Were they due to come off (the shoes are about 7-8 years old)? What?

There is no Ferragamo store in DC. There is, however, a Chanel store. I figured they would know where the competition might reside, so I called with my strange request for info... The woman was very understanding, said I should contact Nordstrom, which is not in DC, but in Arlington, VA (accessable via the metro).

Called Nordstrom, explained. The gentleman said I should bring in the shoes, but it would take a week to replace the bows. I was only there for two days, and these were the only shoes I brought. He did give me advice on how to reglue the remaining bow. I figured one bow was better than two silly flaps (the bow supports). Got some glue and fixed one shoe. I was now sort of ready to face my network task.

No one noticed. Or if they did, they didn't say a word. Most of the time I sat at a table, feet hidden.

Works for me.

Back in NYC, I dropped the shoes at Ferragamo. They will fix and mail back to me. Oh, while in DC I had asked my sister to call and find out what to do. Both bows will be replaced, so they match.

Did this upset me? I'd say I was major bummed, but not upset in a gut wrenching way. Just bummed, big time. Got over it in no time, though. Kinda funny. One of those funny 'what happened on my vacation' stories.

In NYC - yes I went to ground zero. Had to, too many happy memories of working and playing there. The hole itself is fascinating. The memorial - all those bits of stuff people have put up on the wall around the church - is heart wrenching. I cried. Still tear up when I think about it.

Am still on a major self-knowing curve. Learn about new stuff every day. The stuff with my mom, man is that stuff entrenched! The night I arrived tired and hungry and vulnerable, she just went for the jugular. Automatic. I was so tired I didn't realize until the next day. Lucky for me I am more centered than ever, 'cause I didn't react. Well, my gut reacted, but the rest of me didn't. That really clarifies for me the issue of how the body physically incorporates every experience and creates reactions based on threat (fight or flight).

I also saw even more clearly that my mother has lived her whole life in fight or flight, and that she is now so used to that that even nothing events will trigger her. Boy am I glad I have learned to be calm and centered! What a horrible way to live! Too much fear for my taste. And too much stress for my tummy, as well as the rest of me.

I have to say I am so impressed with how well I am. This is the first trip in years in which I felt mostly normal (whatever that means). No fuss, no muss. Few emotional or physical reactions, and those were minimal, just noticable. Very enlightening emotionally. This has to have a beneficial effect going forward.

Yesterday and today I have taken it easy - sort of self-imposed recovery from the whirlwind aspect, and a little from the last couple of days spent with stressed parents in a small apartment in cold, damp CT.

More later.
Posted 6/25/2002 10:06:07 AM by l tanzer